No, Fuck You and the Shetland Pony Your Adorable Dog Rode In On

I'm not exactly sure what my esteemed compatriot, who, as it happens, is employed by another large international publishing house, was googling for when she came across FUCKYOUPENGUIN.blogspot.com, but thank god she's found this gem. Verbally bitch-slapping cute overloading animals. That's entertainment!

Amazing Amazingness, The Series, Pt. 8: Thrillbillies Double Wide

If you missed this amazingly amazing choreographed ATV ballet last year, perhaps you're not already familiar with Travis Pastrana and his merry crew of Thrillbillies. Prepare to become acquainted with awesomeness. Peep this shit. Nitro Thrillbillies 2: Double Wide.

Young Hollywood. I love it.

When did Dakota Fanning become a little lady?
Also, is it wrong that I always think of Amy Poehler and The Dakota Fanning Show?

Speaking of young Hollywood, here’s a nice visual:

A side-by-side comparison of Lindsay Lohan at age14 and her little sister Ali Lohan, aspiring singer/model/actress/train wreck like her sister, at the same age. Yes, 35 year old Ali Lohan is actually only 14.

The Lohan family is awesome.

World Music, The Series, Pt. 2: This is Chicago not D.C. - The Blue Ribbon Glee Club Sings Fugazi

D.C. Hardcore Staple - Smug Sanctimoniousness + Choral Arrangement = Wicked Cool!



They also cover the Pixies and the Dead Kennedys

http://www.myspace.com/theblueribbongleeclub

Amazing Amazingness, The Series, Pt. 7: "My Book Decapitated Michael Ondaatje"

Couldn't tell you what the fuck Etcetera and Otherwise is about, but I'm pretty sure this is the best book trailer I've ever seen!



EtceteraandOtherwise.com

Amazing Amazingness, the Series, Pt. 6: Cheese Racing

Sweet Merciful Fuck do I ever want a grilled cheese and a cold certified! Next to NASCAR(obvs) and Skeet Shooting, UK stylee CheeseRacing has got to be the most exciting, thrill-a-minute, straight-balls-out-adrenaline-pumping sport going. Check this shit now!!

CJBox.net: John Cullum vs. Sam Ellitott

Jimmeny, check out today’s poll on CJBox.net, the topic: “Who would be the best Jess Rawlins if the BLUE HEAVEN movie is actually made?” Sam Elliot is totally kicking ass, but I’ve been thinking about this for quite a while and I've gotta say John Cullum is the man for the job. Yet he’s not even on the freaking list! Christmas! WTF are his webmasters thinking!?!?!?!?!

vs.

Bryan McCabe to be run out of town on a rail??

After waking up from his mid-afternoon nap, Leafs’ GM Cliff “Father Time” Fletcher made yet another bewildering comment to the press, confirming, yet again, that he has absolutely no idea what the fuck is going on with the organization. When reached for comment by the Star, Richard Peddie said, “Cliff looked so serene snoozing on his couch that I figured I’d just let him sleep for another couple of hours.

Shit Canned Stories, The Series, Pt. 2: Vage Stylee

Straight from the Notorious V.A.G.E.

Mornin’ Betches,

I too have been on the piss for the past five days. A synopsis;

Wednesday, drinking and BBQing with my dad in Burlington

Thursday, drinking and gardening with Lisa and my mom in Burlington. Evening activities, ice cream at Marble Slab in Oakville. Tasty. Also, first three episodes of Generation Kill. Amazing! Best line: (to Iraqi in dashiki thing): “Hey buddy, it’s ten in the morning, don’t think you it’s time you changed out of your pajamas?”

Friday, drinking on balcony with alcoholic buddies from the Sault, drinking at coke party on deck above circa with Hells Angels and downtown bar staff delinquents, eating roti at Alberts

Saturday, skateboarding, drinking and BBQing in Don Mills, watching the Great Outdoors and drinking, drinking at the Tap with coked out alcoholics from Sault, drinking and watching coked out strippers at the House of Lancaster

Sunday, hanging out with Snyders and drinking, drinking at punk rock show.

Monday, recovering

Today, still recovering.

The Governator, Cumming Day and Night!

Stuff I Love, The Series: Pt 1- Dawson Leery does not a pretty crier make

If it weren't for YouTube, how would I be able to relive the amazing amazingess that is Dawson Leery's crying face?

Reason number 3565 why I am so thankful for YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RLgI-qbrWVo

PS James Van Der Beek is totally hot. Come back to my TV!!!

This Is Neat: The Series, Pt 2: CUPCAKE COURIER!

Life changing amazingness!!!!

The CUPCAKE COURIER is able to transport and/or store up to thirty-six cupcakes or muffins all in one easy, great looking container!

The CUPCAKE COURIER's 3 trays can be removed, and the unit can double as a cake courier.

The CUPCAKE COURIER is available now in 4 translucent colors. Petal Pink, Lemon Grass, Saffron Yellow, or the original Soft Blue Sky.

PETAL PINK! YES!!!

www.cupcakecourier.com

Then and Now: The Cosby Show kids gone bad

I'm not sure what life lesson these former Cosby show stars are trying to teach me, but if it has anything to do with fashion and beauty- I'm not buying it.

Rudy, played by Keshia Knight Pulliam

THEN

NOW

Imagine her pole dancing to the theme music. Just sayin'.

Olivia, played by Raven-Symone

THEN

NOW

Just. Wow.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KTF0wMhaRO0

Sumfinks Got Me Irish Up Alls I Want Ta Do Is Fight. And Dance.

... and here's how. Issac "The King" King has helpfully animated some of the more complex steps from Lee Henderson's forthcoming novel The Man Game, surely the only book to be published this autumn featuring pugilism, ballroom and the polonaise... not to mention the liberal employment of stilted 19th century wild west vernacular. So come on you yellow poltroon, don't be a mink, let's hit the floor. I'll pound you senseless... or at least spin ya 'round.

Man Game episode one: The Pisk

Posted using ShareThis

More Fighting!! - Vintage Big Brother Video Gem

This time it's UFC tough guy Chuck Liddell kicking the shit out of Big Brother intern Steven Randolph! (fight starts at about 0:36)

In related news, Big Brother is BACK, posting classic content, including Dave Carnie agressive street dancing! It's a bit of a tease, but apparently there'll be a comprehensive archive soon.

This Is Neat: The Series, Pt. 1: Gnod, Literature-Map

Don't be fooled by the stunning pre-millennial visual interface of Gnod's Literature-Map; it is some sweet nerd technological shit! Simply type in the name of books (or bands or movies) that you like and presto-changeo it pops out a neato-bandito interactive map of other stuff you're bound to enjoy. Not surprisingly, Daniel Silva and James Rollins are both on my map.

This looks like fun, and by fun I mean painful.

And I thought my weekend was one for the ages (I mean, it's not every day you get to set an entire tree ablaze in a gravel pit then kick back in the driver's seat of a brand new Lamborghini Murcielago). Then some crazy bastards went and started a real life fight club in Union Square.

Amazing Amazingness, The Series, Pt. 5: Mike Tyson: Fornicate

Sweet merciful christ, I almost forgot about this little gem. Some choice quotes;

“I normally don’t do interviews with womens unless they fornicate with me. So you probably shouldn’t talk to me no more.”
“I’m 36 years old. I never dreamed of living this long. I never dreamed of fornicating with as many womens as I did.”
“I may like fornicating more than other people. I’ve sacrificed so much in my life. Can I at least get laid. Can I at least get a blow job?”

Julie Couillard Tory Gangbang?

Breaking news from globeandmail.com... looks like Tory senior staffer Bernard Côté has been dipping his stick in the sexy seductress as well. I wonder if he and Mad Max Bernier gave her a good old fashioned frat house double team?

Need Relationship Advice? Ask Weezy!

• 
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Ask Weezy, the blog series.

A Couple New Blogs From Toronto Life

Spectator - Local media commentary and gossip
City State - Urban issues, rants and recommendations

Hey, where's my beer?

Interesting news from Brandweek; apparently the good folks at Miller and Anheuser-Busch plan to introduce a new "camo can" by RealTree to attract sporting enthusiasts. Starting in October their flagship brews, Miller High Life and Busch, will be available with a stylish new forest themed paint job. If only they could devise a paintjob to disguise my Miller Lite in a park full of young professionals with small dogs and Korean nannies with white babies in huge strollers.

In Vage Stylee’s Dream World - Emily Gould To Reinvent Sassy Magazine with Dave Carnie

What could be sweeter than the oft imaged (at least by me) relaunch of Sassy with former Gawker Editor Emily Gould and jackass Godfather Dave Carnie as co-editors? The Answer: The real life, most unexpected and super magical res-erection of Big Brother Magazine!

Related news for readers living under a rock (or not hopelessly addicted to lunch hour gossip site perusal). Emily Gould's New York Times Magazine Cover Story is not the expose I was expecting. The pictures, sadly, are also not revealing enough.

World Music, The Series, Pt. 1 - Palestinians Do It Better - Ramallah Underground

My boy Rich Poplak's been touring the Muslim world doing research for his new book The Sheik's Batmobile (due out in January). He's found some fucking amazing shit. Peep these crazy mofo's from Palestine, the Ramallah Underground;

Thriller Praise, The Round Robin Death Match, Round 1

1.
Genius. . . on par with
VS
Worthy successor to





2.
Non-stop thrill ride
VS
Unputdownable



3.
… has done it again
VS
… has solidified his reputation as

4.
surprisingly / thought provoking / nuanced / thoughtful / compelling / sophisticated (any combination of)
VS
dizzying / nail-biting / spell-binding / edge of your seat / cliff hanger (any combination of)


5.
readable
VS
breathtaking





6.
New breed of thriller writer
VS
Indisputably joined the ranks of….







7.
Doesn't get any better than this
VS
Chockablock with thrills








8.
Brainy
VS
Electrifying



Please cast your ballots in the comments section!!!

Jesus Christ WTF, Fangoria, The Series: Pt. 1: Meth

So this is what arteurs get up to when they're not making amazing movies about junkies. But seriously, this is one of the most amazing PR campaigns I've ever seen.

Amazing Amazingness, The Series, Pt. 4: ESL-USA A.O.K.!!!

More amazing amazingness from this weekend's Dupont and Dufferin bar crawl. Uncle Ryan kicking out the patriotic jams at O Patio's spanish language karaoke throw down.

Amazing Things Said Today: Honey, Fingerprints

Pt. 1 - At This Month Only, 1540 Dupont Street

Scary crackhead giving me the stinkeye at the bar:
I'm just wiping my fingerprints off this bottle so that when I smash it in your face the cops won't know it was me.... and an interesting sidebar; review from Toronto Restaurant Guide

Pt. 2 - At Ricoh Coliseum during first period of Marlies game

Frat dude to his underage girlfriend;
When I lived at Yonge and Eglinton there was this awesome bar that had K.Y. wrestling

Underage girlfriend to frat dude;
Yeah, I guess I'd do that, but imagine how slippery it would be; it's kinda gross. I'd totally do honey though.

.... And Now, Here's Something I Like - The Series, Pt. 1 - Mothers

Postcardsfromyomomma - Hilarious... and so true. Pretty Like a Movie Star should make a sister blog with notes from Greg Burns.

.... And Now, Here's Something That I Hate!!!! - The Series, Pt. 1 - Unions

Motherfucking Bob Kinnear and his pouch-licking TTC union. The NDP. David Miller. Liberal pussies in general.



And now something that I love;

So true.

R. Kelly is Sexy!!

Sheeeeeeeiiiiiitttttt; Stormin' Mormon's amazing amazingness and Riskay's mad fresh hiphop stylings got me thinking of how much I love R. Kelly, the velvet voiced lady killer behind such bedrooms jams as Same Girl, Trapped In the Closet and my perennial favourite You Remind Me of My Jeep. If this boy don't make you want to get down to some sexin' you ain't got a pulse.

Amazing Amazingness: The Series, Pt.3: Lipstick on Your Collar 2.0

Back in the day, when a woman had suspicions that her man might be messing around behind her back, there were a number of investigative methods she could employ to determine whether or not it was so: look for lipstick on his collar, check his suit jacket for phone numbers and matchbooks from seedy hotels, etc.

Obviously, dudes have caught on to how they're getting caught, and as a result "ladies" have had to start stepping up their game so as not to be made a fool.

Which brings us to the latest and most obvious approach to sniffing out a skanky adulterer -- literally...

Please see instructional video below:

New York City Bars: Twenty Dollars Well Spent

Double Down Saloon
14 Avenue A, Alphabet City
Me: PBR and bourbon $6
The Old Lady: Bud Light $3
Neither of us had the guts: famed bacon martini, $7


Also, the old lady wouldn't ride the horse.


Greenpoint Tavern
188 Bedford Avenue, Williamsburg
Me and the Old Lady: 32 oz Bud Light in styrofoam cup

Brooklyn Surf Bar
139 North 6th Street, Williamsburg
Drinks weren't really all that cheap, but seriously, when you've got sand beach in your bar, who the fuck is counting pennies.

Duff's
Scenically located on the shore of the east river at 3rd and Kent, Brooklyn
Closed due to bathroom incident. Purchased novelty commemorative t-shirts, $12. Walked briskly from abandoned east river warehouse district back to relative safety of 3rd and Berry Street.

Amazing Things Said Today: The Green Issue

Ashely to Steve (via her email signature): "Please consider the environment before printing this e-mail"

Steve to Ashley: BURNS!!!!! WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS; "Please consider the environment before printing this e-mail"

Ashley to Steve: It's my answer to global warming and shit.

Steve to Ashley: You know I HATE the fucking environment.

Snoop Dogg Loves His Stories

Foshizzle!!! Snoop Dogg recently appeared on The View and gave mad props to his favourite stories; One Life to Live. Apparently the cozy feelings are mutual, he'll be making a guest appearance on the show May 8 and 9. Here's his amazing hyphy remix of the OLTL intro theme;

... also, Barbara Walters likes Snoop "as a gangster."

A New Series: Shit Canned Stories: Pt. 1. Stormin' Mormon

Last night, after I was done talking to the random strange guy from the bar who followed me to the convenience store (maybe I invited him to tag along, not really sure - either way, he told me he was homeless, living at Covenant House... I made him recite the address to prove that this was true... then I think I gave him $10 and jumped in my cab to go home), I couldn't find the cab chit that Pretty Like a Movie Star had apparently just given me (found it this morning - in my clutch, obv) I had to get the driver to pull over at the bank, where two GIANT police officers were hanging out... they held the door for me while I stumbled around which was amazing... and then I did a cannonball into my bed, fully dressed - minus shoes, thank god - and promptly announced to the talent that I was shitfaced and about to puke. He ran around half-asleep trying to find a)a pail for me to puke in (false alarm - thank god), and b)my cat (OBV - what else do I scream for when I'm drunk?)